February review & March overview

Well, seems like I am not yet in the groove with blogging. Or not in groove with the world around me. Put it which ever way fits best. I’ll try to post twice a month and maybe, if I have enough time and energy I’ll blog about my projects. For now at least, to take out the pressure. I have so much pressure in my real life right now that something needs to give and blogging is the easiest to push. I have yet to find my voice in here. So bear with me please as I figure all of this out.

February was a … rather productive month. The four big trees were cut down, we managed to cut two trees up entirly and now the wood is waiting to be processed into fire wood. The two other trees will be processed by one of my tenants who has a wood burning stove in his apartment and is happy to take the wood. In exchange for cleaning up the twigs and stuff that cannot be used for burning.

The tenant I wrote about in one of my last posts has moved out and the apartment turnover wasn’t as bad as I feared it would be. It still is a ton of work that is now waiting for me. My siblings are busy with their lives and families and the paperwork for the books of the homestead and a lot of other stuff. I am more practical so I’ll do what I can of the renovation myself. For now I am scheduling the appointments with workers for the floor and the electric stuff. My birthday is on the second of march and after that and the family dinner on the following weekend I’ll start taking down wallpaper, ripping out the floor and prepping the apartment for the workers. I guess all in all there is at least a weeks worth of work waiting for me. Doesn’t sound too bad does it? I’ll actually enjoy that. I’ll put on my headphones, lock the doors and listen to music or an audio book while working. Happy most likely will be snorring next to me and right now that sounds as good as it gets to me.

I finally started my desk to kitchen island in February but didn’t get as far as I’d have liked. Well, some things need time, right?

However I did managed to tidy the front yard but still have the side walk to do. I have yet to rainwater tanks because I need to figure out who pays for them now. The homestead now belongs to my siblings and I and well, things for the homestead come out of the budget for the homestead. Not my own personal budget. I have to get used to the fact that I need to discuss ever purchase now with my siblings and I am not looking forward to that. But there is no other solution for the situation right now. It’s really complicated and makes my nights dark and slow and void of sleep most of the time.

Neither have I managed to repair the stable or the shed for my horse. It rained a lot or it was so cold that I couldn’t muster up the power to work outside. Another task I will roll over to march.

Speaking of rolling over to March. The garden is another one of these tasks. I still have done literally nothing in the garden and if I really want to plant anything at all this season I need to get started. But on my own it’s hard to move the big things and I really don’t have anyone who is close by who can help me out. I can do a lot on my own but not everything. I’ll need to figure that issue out soon.

But, I read a lot in February, I think around 7 books, mostly trashy psycho thriller novels but well, who cares? I gave myself the time alone, just me, my dog and my book.

In February my best friend, let’s call her Illu came for a visit. She lives one and half hours by car away. I enjoyed having her here. She’s very fun to be arround and always lights me up. We briefly celebrated the idea of her moving here in the now free apartment but well, some things are just not meant to happen. I look forward to having her here at the family dinner the weekend after my birthday.

Plans for March? I don’t really have any besides the one above and that is enough I think. I still feel tired most of the times, I tend to withdraw into sleep when I am overwhelmed and right now I feel like drowing. It’s getting better but just slowly.

This birthday marks the first one without Dad and I miss him deeply today, looking at the clock, watching it count down to my birthday. I turn 40 tomorrow and I wanted to celebrate it with Dad. The last years we had made it a habit to have lunch or dinner on my birthday, just Mom, Dad and I. I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, always take time off of work for it because I don’t like the fuss people make about it. Last year the nursing home my Dad was living at was in quarantine with COVID and I didn’t get the chance to have lunch with him. One of the therapists made a video with him singing softly a birthday song for me. It’s one of my most treasured digital things. We made good for that lunch a few weeks later with pizza. We will have pizza again with the family on the weekend. This time with my silblings, their families and Illu. I couldn’t order the food without ordering Dad’s favorite food as well. Sound strange? Maybe but the order just didn’t feel right without it.

My Dad and I didn’t always get along, we fought like crazy sometimes, both of us passionate about their point of view. Both of us stubborn enough to not give in. I most of the times gave in at some point. Because… well, I knew that the day would come that I’d lose him. And I didn’t want to go in anger or with fury and have no chance to go back to that point in time and make it good. So I gave in. A couple of years back I shaved my Dad and while doing that I asked him, if he knew that I was happy that we didn’t have any conflicts left. That we had said everything even if we couldn’t see eye to eye. I remember him looking at me like I had gone nuts. He couldn’t understand the context any more. It made me sad but I today I am relieved that I told him that I have no issues unsolved with him.

Mom today told me how proud Dad had been when they were told I was a girl. The OB initally told them I’d be a boy, like my siblings. And then, when born the nurse said, oh well, it’s a girl! Mom said he was so happy to finally have a girl. I was his princess, his „hatchling“ (well, Küken in German). I was not the easiest child, quite the contrary and to this day I am still different to my family. I wonder if Dad has ever been as proud of me as he was that day I was born at. Sounds sad, doesn’t it? But actually it isn’t. My Dad maybe wasn’t big with words, not big with spoken declerations of love but his love language was doing things for people he loved. And he build a world for me, he always was there when I needed him most. So, yeah, well, he and I maybe didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things but we still loved each other. I miss him. Incredibly. Especially today. Tomorrow I’ll visit his grave under the tree in the woods and maybe the sun will shine.

So, long enough for a blog post I think. Next check in will be the March check in. So see you then and make sure to tell the people close to you that you love them.

love, Mael

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